Life has been in a turmoil the last couple of months. My mother-in-law passed away on September 22 and with her passing things have gotten so out of wack. For most of our married lives, 25 years, she has been with us. She has been an intergral part of our family. My kids have never known her not to be in our home and now she is gone and it's so quiet, so weird and downright sad. My husband and I are having to figure out ways to sleep together in the same bed, to figure out what to do with our spare time, to even just be motivated to do something, anything. For the past two years or more, I have slept in the bedroom across the hall from my mom-in-law. Only getting to sleep in my own bed once a week, or once every other week. She was able to die at home surrounded by her children, and grandchildren. She passed away peacefully, quietly and the way she would have wanted. I spent the last three nights in the recliner beside her bed. I thought I needed to be there, to continue being her caregiver since I had been doing it so many years. I needed to finish the job. And then she decided to pass away while I was out of the room. I had just made it back to the room right after her last breath. She waited for me to leave the room. I guess it was the way she wanted it, the way it was supposed to be.

And now we are left with a void, an open wound in our hearts and in our home and we are trying to figure out a way to live again, really live. To enjoy each other, to spend time together, to be a family.

Time....it is going to take time......

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Then.....on October 4, the powers that be, big wigs, asses came to tell us that our office will be closing on May 1. I will be without a job. I will be on the job market and I'm scared. I have been at this job since I was 21 years old. It will be 25 years in March. 25 years at the same company. And now....I have to start over. Just the thought scares me to death. I have seen so many people have trouble getting jobs and worry that it what will happen with me. I can't be without health insurance for our family. I pray things will be okay and work out.

Life has thrown me for a loop. I feel as if I'm moving in a daze. I feel I can't get myself moving, motivated. I want to just go home each night and go to bed. I'm trying to allow myself time...time to grieve, time to let the changes sink in.....time to find myself, to find out who I am and where I am.......

Here's hoping things will get better soon....

2:20 p.m. - October 21, 2014